And I’m not talking Disney films here!
What is it that makes us hold onto bad memories and experiences? Is it the familiarity of the “NOT” so comfortable “Comfort Zone” that we become accustomed to? Or is it fear of facing the demons that haunt us from our pasts, is it easier to let them continue to rule our hearts and minds robbing us of our futures that could be so bright, rather than confronting them to regain the power to finally let them go!
I’ve lost count of the number of demons that I’ve confronted from my past, but I still clearly remember the day I found my courage as if it were yesterday, the only difference now is that there is no fear or pain in the memory, it no longer has any control over me. I was 16! I was an unwilling participant in yet another violent argument between my mother and her husband, if you’ve read my blog “A life less ordinary” you will understand. It was different that day though, although I felt anxious and could feel the knots tightening inside me I also felt strong, I was ready for the fight, enough is enough! As he became increasingly aggressive, his voice becoming louder and louder, his face redder and more distorted with rage, he threw his weight around as usual and charged yelling at my mother whilst she cried and begged him not to hit her! That’s when I heard it, all of sudden there was another voice in the room, a voice that was familiar but also unfamiliar to me, a voice that was strong and fearless, a voice that ordered him to stop, to withdraw from the violence he was about to rain down on my mother! For just a few seconds there was silence, that’s when I realised that, that voice had come from inside me, the sound of my heart suddenly beating out of my chest could not have been louder, the anticipation of what would happen next was unthinkable! The initial silence had been his reaction of shock of hearing me making a stand, not crying, not scared, not caring any longer of what he threatened us with had stunned him, this was only momentarily but it had stopped him in his tracks! He was not used to being challenged but this disgusting behaviour had gone on long enough! This was a dragon that needed to be slayed!
No I didn’t commit a crime that day, but I probably did save my mother’s life! I had grown up, I had my own voice now, I was not my mother! The words GET OUT! I’M NOT SCARED OF YOU! Were the words that left my mouth that day and as they did courage had entered my heart! Needless to say he did not leave without an abusive retaliation but he did leave and he knew he was defeated!
I didn’t know at the moment in time that I had so many more battles to come but it gave me strength, the strength to survive this life I’d been given!
That chapter of my life may had reached an end, well, the physical abuse had reached an end but the effects of what he put me through and the effects of knowing my mother had allowed these things to happen to her children remained for a long time, it moulded my life and who I was, I allowed it to define me for a lot of years! I was angry at the world I hadn’t asked for this I was forced into it! I needed help yet I lived in denial of that for many years, don’t get me wrong I hadn’t become a horrible person, I just didn’t know how to be happy or even what happiness was, I held on to so much hurt and pain that it continued to control my life and to be honest I just thought that’s the way life was, I didn’t know any different!
At the age of 32, after stumbling from one bad relationship to another and struggling as a single mother I finally took those first steps to getting help! I had lost so many years! The horrible truth was I had probably lost myself along with them!
I’ve accepted that I can’t change that now so I just do my utmost to make sure that I get the most out of every day, something my dad used to say to me, I wish I had had more than just 12 years with him before he died, this is possibly my only regret, again because I put too much energy into being angry at him for leaving without knowing all the facts other than the poison that my mother had drip fed me over the years, I missed out on more time with him, something I have to live with I guess!
Holding onto to hurt and sadness only leads to more hurt and sadness, I’m not saying don’t feel the emotion of a situation that you are going through, we are only human after all, I’m saying find a way to process it and deal with it to enable you to move on, some situations that people find themselves in are life changing in many ways but don’t let it allow you to become Frozen in time, let it go and move on, don’t waste your life being angry, hurt and upset, by continuing to put energy into something negative you are just feeding the negativity of it and preventing yourself from happiness. If you need help, seek help! It will change your life!
There’s many clichés about life like “life is too short” and “You only get one life” we’ve all heard them and I bet you’ve even spoken them yourself at some point or another so perhaps it’s about time that we listened to them too, because no truer words have been said!
Don’t be silenced by fear, let it go and free yourself!